


Today, Tomorrow, Forever

by Formysakeamaryllis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 05:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16633418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Formysakeamaryllis/pseuds/Formysakeamaryllis
Summary: "It wasn't supposed to be you".





	Today, Tomorrow, Forever

       "You weren't supposed to be the one to let me down." The tears in her eyes were clear even as they stood in the snow in nearly freezing weather. She knew if the tears began to fall that they would freeze to her face but she couldn't stop them from forming the force of emotions behind them weren't hers to control. This was the first time they were getting the chance to have this discussion, to talk face to face without one of them screaming or hurling accusations. To say their relationship over the last year had been rocky would be a complete understatement.

 

"You did your fair share in letting me down too." He sighed as he rubbed his sweater covered hand over his unshaven face. It was much too cold outside for this conversation but if they took it inside, one of them would get heated or they would get interrupted and this conversation absolutely had to happen if anything was ever going to change. If their hurt with each other was ever going to change or be understood they had to hash it out though neither one of them was sure they wanted to.

 

"How? Tell me what I did because I don't understand." It was hard to keep her voice level and not get hysterical or angry. It didn't make sense that he felt as if she let him down, she wasn't the one that had betrayed nearly everyone they were close to.

 

"You kicked me out of the house, you didn't give me a chance to explain, you didn't help me work it out with Alice and worst of all you went to court to help Alice get shared custody with Briana." Yes she had done all of those things but what he was failing to point out was that she had given him 30 days to get out, she had given him a chance to fight for the custody arrangement he already had and he didn't. He hadn't even showed up in court to protest having to share custody of his son with yet another person. There was no fight, she hadn't done anything wrong by showing up, if he had shown up and listened to what she said she was the reason he still had any custody of his child.

  
  


"You're right I did all of those things." She acknowledged which caused the man she was having the conversation with to paused flustered that she hadn't even fought him on it but instead agreed that she'd done those things. "And I didn't give you a chance to explain or work it out with Alice, I know that." She paused rubbing at her face unable to feel her fingers. "You were /married/ to another woman. There was no coming back from that Louis. You married another woman two weeks before you were supposed to marry Alice. Nothing I could have said would have changed that."

 

"But you didn't ask why, you didn't even bother to try and help me make a friendship with Alice work or anything. You just threw me out. Like I was nothing." He argued but it was a pointless argument. She hadn't thrown him out like he was nothing, she had been so heart broken about the circumstances she hadn't given herself a chance to think or feel. It wasn't an option, Alice came first her relationship with anyone else came second even Harry.

 

"I wasn't going to hear you out on why you'd been cheating on my best friend before I tossed you out on your ass." It was a tad bitter but the bitterness was used to hide the pain she was really feeling. Even though her eyes were betraying her as the tears fell and froze to her face. "Maybe I didn't help you work on a friendship with her but you can't blame me for that. I'm the reason you two started dating in 2015, three years later you shatter her heart into a million pieces. I wasn't going to foster another relationship with you that cold end in pain and disaster."

 

"When my mum died, Eleanor was there. She came to the hospital to visit her after she was diagnosed. She didn't care that I was with Alice or that I had a baby." Louis explained as if Kitten hadn't just told had purposefully not heard him out when she found out he'd been cheating. Kitten listened though, not arguing or plugging her ears like she wanted to. "She cared about me, Alice was great. She cared about my sisters and helped dad and spent time taking care of Freddie when I couldn't. Eleanor took care of me." He stressed and suddenly Kitten's heart ached even more.

 

"Louis." She covered her face afraid of the answer of the next question she was about to ask. "When did you and Eleanor start...being together?" she paused. "I'm not going to get mad I just...I need to know." She said softly snowflakes landing on her nose and hands.

 

"Mom was diagnosed in May of 2016 and in July Alice and I came to the states for her birthday and Eleanor stayed with my mom in the hospital. When we got back later that month...Eleanor and I got together for coffee and...that's when it started." He admitted another heavy sigh leaving his mouth. Kitten looked at him trying to do the math in her head. After a moment she gaped at him frustration and pain radiating through her.

 

"A year. Nearly the entire time you were engaged to Alice you were cheating on her with Eleanor. Why didn't you just tell her? Why didn't you tell me?" He hadn't done the math, well in all fairness he sort of had but he figured telling Kitten he'd been cheating on Alice for a total of 13 months instead of the few months after his mom died that she might rearrange his face. Louis was confused because she didn't sound angry like he expected her to, she sounded so heart broken. That wasn't an emotion he wasn't prepared for. "A year Louis."

 

"I didn't think I could tell you and what break Alice's heart when she's already broken hearted from mum dying?" He pointed out a bit to harshly for Kitten's liking, she rubbed the freezing tears on her face. Louis' mum dying had been so hard, especially for Louis obviously but Kitten had been so attached to the woman. She'd known the woman nearly as long as she'd known Anne. Harry and Kitten spent most of 2016 helping the Tomlinson family keep it together and take care of each other so that Johanna could be taken care of and not need to worry.

"What you did wasn't fair." Her voice cracked. "You could have let Alice go she wouldn't have had nights where she sat with me on the back porch and cried because she didn't know where you'd gone and she couldn't get a hold of you." She pointed out having never really told him about the pain Alice had suffered while his mother was sick. She hadn't thought it would be fair to share with him but now she did. "Harry, Emmy, your little sisters they all spent time with Alice especially when she got upset. She would take night shift with Ernie and Doris just to ignore the fact that you weren't there."

 

"She did that?" He asked quietly. There was a lot of things that had happened at his house that he hadn't actually known about. Of course he wasn't avoiding his home life, he was trying to figure out how to balance his own struggles and apparently hiding a relationship from everyone.

 

"Yeah, she did. I know losing your mom was hard, I'm not discounting that but what you did...what you've /done/ isn't fair." She coughed trying to cover up the ache in her voice but it showed through any way there was no way to hide such an intense pain inside of her. "You cheated on Alice because you felt Eleanor took care of you and instead of tell Alice that and let her move on and give her energy to helping your family and moving on you drug it out leaving her to end up on your wedding day with you /not/ showing up."

 

"My plane was late." His sighing was getting annoying, even though at this point he was sighing to keep himself warm. The snow continued to fall around them as they stood in the back garden area of the house. The lights in the house were on with people bustling inside.

 

"You let Niall tell her about Eleanor." Kitten pointed out. "Niall. You let Niall of all people tell her in front of Liam and all the people that had showed up for the wedding." It had been one of the most painful things she'd ever seen Alice go through. Louis cringed having remembering making that mistake, he shouldn't have chosen Niall but he was angry and he had thought Alice deserved to hear it from someone who maybe didn't think very highly of her. IT had been mean and he shouldn't have done it.

 

"I regret that." Kitten rolled her eyes sniffling.

 

"Maybe I did let you down by kicking you out and not hearing you out but I didn't just give up on you." She again had a fair point. Even after she'd kicked him out she tried to figure out how to deal with him, how she still helped him find some place to stay how when he'd tried to hang out with Harry a few times she'd let Harry decide how he felt about it before deciding. How she'd facilitated him seeing Freddie because it was too painful for Briana and Alice to see Louis. "Not once did I ever bad mouth you to the press or on twitter, or bash your music and life style choices. Never have I given a 'tell all' interview and let people into what happened. Never have I betrayed you by putting your personal secrets out there for the world to see." her chest clenched.

 

"Kitten..."

 

"You did. I understood when you mended things with Zayn because that was what your mom wanted for you. I understood when you disappeared for a month because the grief was too much, I understood when you lashed out at me and called me a whore because you were angry and confused." She sniffled trying to hide a slight sob. "I let you call and leave me god awful messages because I understood that pain can change a person and you needed someone who wouldn't turn around and tell the press about your behavior. You needed me to deal with it so I did, I didn't even tell Harry about it or Alice. I just let it happen because I thought if I did you'd come back, you'd apologize you'd care eventually." She went on with out missing a beat. "When Liam came to me and expressed concern you were going to kill yourself I showed up to make sure you didn't. Even as you cursed me out the entire night."

 

"Kitten.."Louis tried again but she kept talking.

 

"I was fine, I was fine when you told twitter for the first time that I was a bitch. That I was the reason you didn't see your son any more. As you attacked me in interviews making snide remarks I was even fine when you said that it was my fault One direction broke up." She let her self sit down on the bench covering her face for a moment as the tears built up and fell. "And then, you made this documentary and turned your snide remarks and name calling to Harry. Telling people you never really were friends with Harry, that Harry initiated the break and is the reason there probably won't be a reunion. That it was because of him that you go no solos in the beginning."

 

"You watched the documentary?" Of course all he heard out of that was the fact that she'd seen the little hour movie he'd made. Harry had made one as well of him filming his album but when he'd talked about 1d it had been about how thankful he was for them and he called them his friends. What Louis had done wasn't anything like what Harry had done.

 

"You made Harry sound awful and then somewhere in the middle of it all you told the world things I never wanted people to know about my life. Things like what happened to me when I was a kid, like what my birth given last name was, you told the world about the party and what you felt happened at it." She paused a sob breaking out of her. "And then you told the world that Harry started to withdraw because he didn't like you guys because you didn't like me. Which is a lie. You showed them pictures of Harry and I that I didn't even know existed. Pictures of him vulnerable and crying, pictures of us talking or being intimate and claimed we did it in front of everyone all the time. Photos out of context."

 

"But they weren't bad photos all together Kit even you have to acknowledge that." It was difficult to fight the accusations when he had done all of these things to her.

 

"And now this." She ignored him and continued. "You of all people weren't supposed to do this. You promised and you broke the promise." pressed the palm of her hands to her eyes. "All Anne wants is a Christmas where everyone is together and you...You can't just," She couldn't get the words out. "You weren't supposed to be the one to let me down."

 

"Kay...come on please hear me out." He asked sitting down next to her and she scooted away.

 

"hear you out? You tweet out yesterday that you hate me and you're only showing up because you love Anne and then...today..." She closed her eyes sucking in a deep breath that burnt in her lungs from the cold. "In the middle of all these people that are here to celebrate with Anne and Harry and enjoy family, people that don't know or need to know. Announced that I can't have kids, recorded a snap chat with Niall and posted it saying I was carrying around Freddie because I was jealous that I can't physically ever have my own children."

 

"That...that was a mistake." He shook his head reaching a hand out to touch her shoulder but she jerked away from him nearly falling into the little bank of snow.

 

"A mistake?! I hadn't even told Des yet! I have been avoiding baby questions all day. Gemma didn't even know! But now they all know because you just told the world I can't have kids. You only know that because you were listening in on me and Harry talking about it yesterday!" She cried. "I hadn't told anyone but Alice, Anne and Harry!" she cried pulling her hands away from her face. "Do you know what people are saying? Do you know how many text messages I've gotten?"

 

"I was...that was a huge mistake Kitten. I didn't mean to accidentally expose it." Louis said softly as if that was an appropriate response to ruining someones life. "The fans can't be saying anything they haven't already said." he offered in comfort.

 

"My twitter is flooded. My Instagram is flooded. I had to shut off comments and questions, I'm getting phone calls and text messages asking if it's true. I'm getting message after message telling me I'm useless and that if Harry wants a real woman he should visit them. I'm getting /emails/" She sniffled. "I can't have babies the natural way because I was tortured as a child and then assaulted as an adult. My body can't carry a baby like a normal woman can! You think that wouldn't be a weak spot for me?"

 

"I didn't think..."

 

"Exactly Louis, you didn't think. You didn't think and now I have to figure out how to go back inside and deal with all the questions and deal with Cheryl and Liam gloating about having a baby. I have to go in there and face everyone after just finding out a week ago for certain that I can't have children. Ever. That I could try but there's a chance I could die if I tried to carry a child. You were never supposed to be the one that hurt me like this."

 

"You don't have to explain to anyone. Just because I pulled an ass move doesn't mean you have to explain it. You could just brush it off as me being an asshole." He tried to make it better. "I mean I'll post my own snapchat about how I was just joking around or something."

 

"It's too late for that. If you were to do that people would think I forced you into it. It's out there now, I just thought you were better than that. I thought you were better than to go after Harry but I was wrong there too." She scoffed. "You know when you first started trashing him Harry told me that he felt like maybe you were right. Maybe he deserved to have people mad at him. He tried to call and apologize to you for maybe having done you wrong but you never answered the phone and he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong so that he could apologize properly."

 

"Ouch."

 

"Yeah ouch. All of you just went a head and threw the blame on him because blaming me wasn't getting the reaction you wanted. Just like that, you hurt him and he feels like he deserves it so he takes it and he doesn't argue with it. He wears the scarlet letter around when he meets fans or deals with press and he just waits for the day that it changes." Louis rubbed the back of his head feeling really guilty all of the sudden. He didn't know what he'd been doing had caused Harry so much pain.

 

"I'm sorry Kit all I can do now is apologize." Kitten looked up at him and shrugged it didn't matter any more. Her heart was too broken for him to repair it right now with an apology. "I am really-"

 

"Jesus, here you two are it's freezing what are you doing?!" Emmy's voice broke into the conversation she was bundled in a million layers and she was wrapped in a festive light up necklace and head band which absolutely had to be Alice's doing. Louis looked at Emmy cautiously, really Emmy was a force to be reckon with if you fucked with her at the wrong time.

 

"Talking." Kitten mumbled hardly audible over the wind and the snow. Emmy shook her head walking past Louis almost immediately.

 

"It's fucking freezing outside. I know because my phone says so." She explained pulling out her cell phone that showed the exact temperature. "Had to figure out what the hell it meant in celceaus because fucking England and whatever but seriously." Kitten let out a small laugh turning her head to the side Louis didn't dare laugh for fear that he might be beaten into the snow.

 

"It's fine Emmy, go back inside where it's warm. I'll be back in soon." Kitten told Emmy softly. "You go too Louis, you're going to freeze. You're lips are turning blue." she pointed out and Louis touched his face as if that was going to confirm what he was being told. "It's fine Lou, Eleanor is waiting for you inside any way. She's going to think I've kidnapped you." she tried to sound light hearted but it fell a little flat.

 

"You're probably right. I've got to go talk to Harry too." Louis mumbled standing up shrinking away from Emmy as he went.

 

"Stay away from my wife!" Emmy hissed at Louis as he passed her and his response was a shaky salute before he disappeared into the snow towards the house. She turned towards Kitten who was still sat at the bench but was staring at the snow gathering around her. "Come on babe, you really are going to freeze to death out here. You are used to La wether." She pointed out and Kitten shrugged. "Should I go after him and make sure he leaves Harry alone too?"

 

"I'm not going to freeze to death I'm immune to the cold." She mumbled ignoring the second question. She wasn't sure if Emmy should go inside and tell Louis not to go near Harry. Her brain was too busy to think of anything else, she had no doubt her husband could fend for himself. Plus Harry was gravitating around his mother so there wasn't any way Louis would misbehave around Anne.

 

"Uhhhuh." Emmy sat down next to her cursing. "For fucks sake now my ass is wet." Kitten buried her face in her knees to laugh slightly but mostly to just hide from Emmy's worried gaze. "are you laughing at me?" she whined.

 

"Possibly." Emmy rolled her eyes looking over Kitten after a moment and realizing she was far to under dressed to be out here in the cold.

 

"Ok really, you are going to freeze please come inside." Kitten was pretty under dressed for the harsh weather. She was wearing a pair of thin black leggings under the red Christmas themed dress she was wearing, with one of her husbands jacket's on and heals. It was much too cold for her, she was wearing her beanie though which was only mildly comforting.

 

"Em..." Slowly she untucked her face to look at the woman. "Are you mad at me?" Emmy's face went through about seven different formations before settling into one giant frown.

 

"What? Why would I be mad at you?" She was seconds away from shedding her coat to cover Kitten just to keep her warm. "Are you suffering from hypothermia. Jesus Louis kept you out here too long. I should have-"

 

"About the baby thing...About finding out from Louis that I can't...I can't have babies." Kitten rushed out over Emmy's worried rants. Emmy stopped talking and looked at her shaking her head letting out a gentle kind sigh.

 

"Never." Kitten looked at her as the snow fell between them. "Look what Louis did was wrong, telling everyone like that was wrong. What people are saying to you and about you is wrong and Harry shut down the conversation before it began as soon as you stepped out of the room with Louis." she scooted a bit closer rubbing her hand up and down Kitten's back. "I can't promise Harry won't like decapitate Louis if he tries to talk to him..." she added.

 

"Not with mum and Alice around." Kitten shrugged sighing gently able to see the way her breath came out in the crystal air.

 

"Why does Anne want them around? Eleanor and them..." Emmy asked wrapping an arm around Kitten trying to warm her up and listen to the problems she was having at the same time.

 

"Because she was close to Louis' mother and after she lost robin she just...she just wants to feel like family again." she explained even though Emmy still didn't understand it. Kitten understood it though. "She doesn't know the full extent of what's happened between us and the boys. Eleanor wasn't invited, the bitch just knew that if Louis got to come she would get to tag along with out a fight." Emmy rolled her eyes, she hated Eleanor then again there wasn't many people in that house that she didn't currently hate.

 

"Sometimes I forget how close you are to Louis' siblings." Emmy changed the subject slightly but not completely giving Kitten room to decide what she wanted to talk about. "I forgot how close Alice and them were too, until i got up this morning to Freddie asleep next to me and an empty side where my wife should be." Kitten let out a soft laugh.

 

"She was probably already up with the twins helping mum bake. Every year Alice does that. It used to drive Louis crazy during the holiday season he'd wake up to an empty bed and have a fit. Alice just gets excited for Christmas." She smiled fondly looking at Emmy. "Did Ace tell you why she loves Christmas so much?"

 

"I don't think so, I didn't really ask though. It's so cute to see her all lit up like a tree, I would gladly wake up with Freddie early in the morning for the rest of forever if that would make her happy." Kitten could feel tears in her eyes but they were different this time. The tears weren't of sadness but of love and appreciation of Emmy and how much Emmy really truly and honestly loved Alice.

 

"She loves Christmas because it was the one time of year she didn't have to pretend to be this happy perfect child, she /was/ happy. Her family used her as press for all sorts of Christmas events they needed her to rake in the money so they put her out there all of the time." Emmy frowned because that didn't sound like a good memory at all. "She was out there so much they couldn't discipline her or starve her because they needed her. She'd go and she'd do these Christmas tree light ups and do all these shows talking about Christmas. The lights, the cookies, the love she'd get from these strangers was enough to keep her going every year." Kitten felt tears clog her throat again laughing a little as she remissness.

 

"So, she loves Christmas even though she couldn't really have a real Christmas as kid because it was the only time of year that she felt loved." Emmy said softly through the aches in her heart. Both her wife and Kitten had been so mistreated as kid's having grown up in so many broken homes, the fact that they were both such sweet women in her eyes was a miracle.

 

"Yeah, she used to tell me 'Kitten I've seen love. I've felt love! It's Christmas!' all the time. She told me once that she knew Harry was in love with me the first time they talked because he sounded like those men in those Christmas movies who were head over heals for the lead." Kitten laughed shaking her head. "That's how he got nicknamed pup. She'd heard the name used on a movie set accusing the actor of being love sick...alice had asked someone if that was a bad thing and when they told her it was just another term for puppy love it became a thing for her." she smiled rubbing her frozen face.

 

"I just thought it was because he looks like an over grown puppy." Emmy teased and kitten stuck out her tongue. That was part of the nickname but that was mostly only because it fit him so well.

 

"She met me in December, I don't know if she'd told you that. Our parents were trying to hash out a deal to get her for their press shit as well, they offered me up as a token of good faith because they wanted to 'borrow' Alice." Emmy felt a mildly compressed rage as Kitten spoke of their childhood. An anxiety that need not be there because it was the past. "Alice's parents were selfish though and I'm glad for that." She shrugged. "They had come to my house for a second meeting closer to Christmas and that was when a little cell phone was stuck under my door with a note. Alice had...bargained with her parents to get her a new phone and be charitable and let her donate her old phone or she wouldn't do an interview they wanted her too." she snickered.

 

"And that worked?"

 

"Their entire career's rested on Alice. Even when they 'got rid of her' and demanded she run away at 16 which she did more than willingly. Even though they abused her she could get certain things." Kitten hummed. "Her father laid hands on her once and only once and that was because as a result of him putting his hands on her she stabbed him in the hand. So she can be very convincing." she looked into the snow. "That was the first time I ever experienced Christmas and lights and love. December is when everything good ever happened to me."

 

"Oh?" Emmy was freezing to death as well as having a million different emotions running rampid through her right now. She wasn't going to interrupt Kitten to ask her to go inside again she loved hearing about this stuff.

 

"Alice happened in December, I was saved by Anne in December. It's when I met Harry, it's when we shared our first kiss, it is when we got married. You moved in with us in December, it was rare that the boys ever toured in December." She listed off a soft smile on her face.

 

"You count me as the good things that happened in December?" She was honestly in awe, Emmy had never felt like she was very special she didn't grow up in a bad home. She was a foster child shuffled from home to home nothing really special about her or anything, so to be considered something great that happened to someone else was a bit foreign to her. It made her chest get all warm and tingly.

 

"Of Course, Emmy you've been my security guard for the last almost five years. Just because part of that time you weren't my personal guard doesn't mean I consider that any different. " She reached out her freezing hand to touch Emmy's knee letting her know the gentleness behind the statements. "You have saved my life, you moved in when I needed you when Harry and I needed you. Now," there were tears in her eyes again. "You make Ace feel like it's Christmas every day. She's so in love with you, she's never felt like this before Em."

 

"I'm sure Louis made her feel special some times she was with him for three years." Kitten shook her head confusing Emmy.

 

"I mean, yeah she thought she was in love with him but he was never in love with her. She never fully had his heart and she knew it." Kitten paused her heart suddenly clenching in her chest because of what Louis had just revealed to her. "You know, after you two kissed she came to me and she was beaming from ear to ear and she was just absolutely beside herself because she felt so happy. She told me that it had never felt that way when Louis kissed her and she asked me what it felt like when Harry kissed me for the first time."

 

"What did you tell her?" Emmy asked quietly feeling a little shy about it but also curious about it.

 

"I told her there just weren't words for it. When we kissed it felt like every heart break I had ever experienced meant nothing, it felt like in that moment nothing else mattered. I felt something I'd never felt before. Emmy, it's like nothing else when you kiss the love of your life." Kitten closed her eyes able to feel the last time Harry and her had kissed earlier that day. "That feeling never goes away, you remember every time you kiss them every day you go with out kissing them."

 

"So it's not weird that I want to kiss Alice all the time no matter what? It's not just me being weird about louis being around or anything?" She hadn't asked any one or said anything about it that feeling like she needed to be near Alice at all times the want to kiss her and never come up for air. She was worried it was some kind of twisted jealousy because she'd never felt it before with her other significant others. Kitten hummed.

 

"It has nothing to do with Louis. I see the way you look at her, the way she looks at you. It has nothing to do with jealousy." Kitten promised. "I'm really thankful you came along as security, that you weren't afraid to say ' I will marry you any time any day I don't need a ceremony. I want you to be happy' for Alice." She added closing her eyes as she took in another breath. "You are part of the family Em. You are part of my family and you love Alice more than I could ever ask for and it means the world to me."

 

"It's nice to have some place to belong." Emmy responded after a few minutes. She never really had a place where she fit but the more she thought about it the more she realized that she felt like she was at home like she belonged with them. "Can we go inside? I'm freezing."

 

"Go ahead, I'll be fine. I just...I'm not ready yet." She mumbled even though every part of her was cold and stiff. Her nose was running and everything felt frozen, she was probably going to be sick as a dog tomorrow but she didn't really care. It was easier out here, to freeze than to go inside and hurt.

 

"I'm not going in until you do..."

 

"That's not going to work with her," Kitten would have startled had she not been nearly frozen as her husband's voice made it's way into the conversation. "With Alice and pretty much any one else telling them that might get them to come inside. Not with her though. It never has, trust me I've tried." He had a blanket in one of his hands as he approached them. His own coat thick and long, his hair hidden behind a beanie and a scarf wrapped around his neck.

 

"I don't hate the cold."

 

"Yes you do" they both said at the same time and Kitten groaned at them both. "Emmy, Alice is looking for you so is Freddie." Harry hummed softly and Kitten just nudged her.

 

"Alright but please come inside soon." Emmy didn't fight them, there was no point in forcing Kitten to come inside before she was ready. Emmy got up her legs protesting. "My ass is wet damn." she hissed causing both Kitten and Harry to laugh before she retreated to the house where there was someone standing in the door way waiting for Emmy to come back inside.

 

"So," Harry sat down next to her and put the blanket around her shoulders pulling her into his body trying not to cringe as the snow practically immediately soaked through his coat and pants. "...wow Em wasn't wrong, my ass is now soaked as well. Normally it takes a little longer than that..."

 

"Sorry," she sighed setting her head down on her husband's shoulder. "I don't want you to get sick, you can go inside if you want." There was no way in hell she wanted him to go away but she wasn't going to force her husband to stay out in the snow with her when there were family and friends inside and babies to be playing with.

 

"huh? oh," Harry shook his head pressing his lips to her snow covered hair. "I'm in dress pants I want them off any way. No trouble." He explained rubbing his gloved hand over her back rubbing her spine slowly trying to warm her up even just a little. "I love you," she shrugged. "No, listen to me. Kitten, I love you." she tilted her head up pressing her frozen nose to his neck.

 

"Why?" she finally asked having heard the way he said it. He slipped his glove off one hand and set his warm hand on her frozen cheek as she curled into his neck staying there for warmth.

 

"Louis came to talk to me," Harry started out slowly running his warm fingers against her cheek as he thought. "He was trying to apologize I think, I didn't spend long listening to him until he started to tell me that you'd made him aware of some things." Kitten grunted the ache was back in her chest. "And I know whatever you said to him got to him because he wouldn't go any where near Alice or Freddie he isn't even letting Eleanor near them."

 

"He broke my heart." Kitten started to tear up again. "I just told him that." Harry shook his head humming gently in hopes of calming her frozen hysteria just on the verge. "I told him how much time Alice spent taking care of his family, how much time you and I spent with his family when his mom died. I told him how much more I expected of him."

 

"That's sort of what he told me. He also told me he 'laid out the truth' for you. Which, I was going to deck him because I didn't know what that meant until Alice slid up next to me and handed me Freddie." Harry hummed and Kitten laughed a bit sad but also a little fondly. Alice had begun to pick up on when Harry was distressed and well, babies were Harry's cryptonite.

 

"It means he was finally honest with me about when he got back with Eleanor." she bent her knees up a little closer to draw ever near to the flame that was Harry's body and affection. "Told me he felt like Eleanor took care of him when no one else was looking at him." Harry shook his head pressing his cheek on the top of his wife's hair gently nosing into her hair. He loved her so much, she sacrificed so much for everyone and she never really got what she gave out in his eyes. Hours, days, years, loving these people so much with everything she could. Giving them chance after chance only to be hurt so often in return.

 

"I'm sorry." Kitten was completely thrown off she pulled her head away from his neck looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry he let you down and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him letting you down. I'm even more sorry it had to be like this that he let you down." Harry leaned in and pressed a tentative kiss to her lips. "I'm am the most sorry that I didn't protest this party mum wanted. I should have more than I did and I let you down there." She shook her head quickly.

 

"No one was going to fight with her on this Haz. We love her to much to argue with what she needed." Well, she wasn't wrong. There wasn't anything he would have fought his mom about right now, but part of him felt like he should have.

 

"She wouldn't want it if she knew to what extent Louis was torturing you too." He argued being the first to really argue with facts that she couldn't deny. "Baby, my mom loves you but sometimes she lives in denile about the state of my relationship with the other boys. You, you do your best to make sure your relationships don't get in the way of others and it helps her shield her eyes a bit and that's why I let you down." He leaned in and pressed another kiss to her lips, they were blue and she was starting to shiver a bit more than she had been.

 

"I just wanted this to be perfect for her. I didn't know..."Kitten put her head down. "I didn't think he would do something like announce I can't have a baby to the world. Now the whole world including Gemma who we hadn't gotten a chance to tell yet about it knows I am completely insignificant as a woman." Harry took his other glove off and set his other hand on the other side of her face holding her face between her hands.

 

"No, you are not insignificant as a woman. What Louis and Niall did was wrong, nothing you did or can do will change that." he was firm with his message as he held her face, slowly she worked her frozen hands out from where they were shaking folded over her chest and set them on top of her husband's hands on her face. "I love you, I loved you the second I laid eyes on you. That love didn't change will not ever change." He promised leaning in he set his forehead against hers. "You don't remember this because you were kept in a mostly sedated state while you were recovering as a teen, but they told my mom and I that because of what you had gone through that the odds of you having a child were less than slim to none."

 

"I don't remember much outside of getting to know you and your family between sleeping and pain in the hospital. I do remember you guys celebrating Christmas because that was when Alice finally made it." Kitten grimaced not at the christmas memory but at not remembering much of that time in the hospital. No one expected her to have amazing recollection as she was 16 and half frozen to death, there was only so much her brain would have been able to handle. “Did they really tell you that?”

 

“They did, but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now.” Harry hummed gently running his fingers through her hair and shaking his head. He had remember having overheard a conversations between his mother and the doctors talking about how the teenager on the bed was in horrible shape and if she even made it out of the hospital she would be a medical miracle. 

 

“How do you even remember that?” She asked softly looking at her husband. A wistful look came over his face. He could see her in the hospital bed asleep, feel her next to him as he watched the adults talk about her quietly as if she wasn’t in the room in the first place. He could steal feel the anxiety that was woven through him as a teenage boy having just met the girl of his dreams and facing losing her at the same time. He didn’t care what else happened, he’d begged god as he lay in the bed with her told him that he would never ask for anything again if god would just let her live.  He doubted that it was that prayer of begging that worked but she had survived. 

 

“Easily when I was counting every beat of your heart.” He spoke barely audible over the wind. One of his hands strayed from her face and down to her chest right over her heart. The sound of her heart beating was often his inspiration for so many of his songs. Kitten had an entire album of songs Harry had never released to the public, songs he’d just written for her because he didn’t feel like everyone should be privileged to the love that these songs communicated. 

 

“You were 15, I was a stranger…”

 

“I was nearly 16 and you were/are the love of my life.” He looked at his hand over her chest able to feel it beat even now under his fingertips through the jacket she was wearing. “They told my not to get so attached, that it was so unlikely you’d make it. They told mum that she’d be wise to encourage me to leave your bed side because no one knew when your body would give up.” His eyes slipped shut unable to look at her while recalling the way he’d been talked to. Everything everyone had said to try and keep him away from her to try and get him to just let her go. It was impossible. Harry couldn’t imagine leaving her side and seeing her eyes open every few days was a feeling he’d lived for.

 

“You didn’t give up though,” she let her hand rest against his on her chest running her fingers over his knuckles. “I remember you and I remember the day Alice showed up.” Kitten laughed and nudged her nose against his. 

 

“The 20th of December, she wasn’t what I was expecting.” Harry opened his eyes back up to look at his wife a cheeky smile on his face. Alice had been a shock to him, he’d been expecting a young, vibrant trouble maker to walk into the hospital room. When she had finally showed up on the 20th she had looked nothing like what he’d envisioned. She was skinny, terribly skinny, looked a little frail, soft dark hair had been settled in the craziest way possible on her head. Her eyes fierce and a warning came with her as she'd arrived, even if she looked like she could break at any moment she also looked like she could kick someone's ass at anyone given moment if need be.

 

“What do you mean?” She asked softly she knew that when Alice had shown up it hadn't been exactly amazing. It had been difficult, Alice didn't get along with people really but she had been a 16 year old abused child as well. The people who had expected her to show up as an adult hadn't listened to anything Kitten had said about her.

 

“I thought she was going to show up and look like this warrior.” He paused trying to put it into the right words with out being offensive or discounting the strong 16 year old girl that Alice was. “Put together, a certain weight to her, for some reason I saw her in my head with red hair and blue eyes. But I liked to imagine that she was like...” He sighed struggling to put it into words. “Emmy.” he finally pulled out. “You remember what Emmy was like when we first met her.”

 

“Yeah she was somewhere between terrifying and awe striking.” Kitten snickered. “Looked mean and ready to take out anyone she needed to.”

 

“That's what I thought Alice would look like. I mean Alice had the attitude to take out any adult in her way but she didn't look tall and dark and bad ass.” He admitted. “She looked sick, skinny and fragile. Like if something happened she was always just this side of a break down and needing to be committed. She looked scared and young.”

 

“She was, scared and young and sick. Just like I was, but I can see where you guys might have put together your own image of her.” Kitten smiled remembering how fond Harry had been of her mystery friend, spending night Kitten couldn't stay awake long enough to talk on Alice, talking to her. That was why he was so close to Alice now. They were a tough trio to beat but they always loved each other. Harry nodded.

 

“I know, she's dangerous you know.” He teased kissing the top of her head. “But when she got to the hospital remember what we did?”

 

“I think I do, that's when you decorated the hospital room with christmas lights and promised me that as soon as I got home that we would have a proper Christmas.” She could remember how bright the lights had shown how much love she'd felt with Alice and Harry by her side. It had seemed like nothing could go wrong god only knew how wrong they'd been as teens but all these years later they were more in love then they had ever been despite the world and it's choices on trying to kill their love. “It was beautiful.”

 

“It was, my mum went and got a bunch of gifts her and Des threw a whole party for us and everything. They even got Alice presents, you two were so moved I think you two sobbed the entire day.” He rubbed her arm. Harry glanced back to the house able to see people moving around inside of it as more snow fell. His butt had gone numb by now. “It was our first Christmas together though, even if we didn't have much.” He added and she nodded. “That's really why mum wanted this party.” it was a soft nudge.

 

“What?” Kitten's ears were starting to freeze, and she really was starting to lose feeling in certain area's of her body it wasn't a great feeling. She really probably needed to get inside but a large part of her didn't want to go back in there and face everyone.

 

“She wanted this party because she knows how much everyone's lost this year and she thought maybe if she could get us all together to see that life's too short for us to be a disgruntled mess we'd all be friends again.” He explained and that lead Kitten to frown, she'd done the opposite of what Anne had thrown the party for in fact she'd caused a problem. She groaned quietly, of course Anne had thought they could do something as magical as fix their friendships over some Christmas party for the parents. “She was so close to Lou's mom, we spent so much time at the house helping take care of the twins all four of them. That it just seemed...”

 

“Wrong.” Kitten finished his sentence sighing heavily. “We celebrated Christmas with Louis' family last year and your mum did so much to make sure they had a good Christmas, Alice spent December feeling unsure of herself and I should have picked up on something being wrong then.” Harry rose an eyebrow before shaking his head. “Damnit Harry, I've ruined it. She want's this and I just ruined it by starting a beef with Louis over announcing I can't have babies.”

 

“No, that's not what you did. She figures you came out here to cool off.” Kitten snickered at the useage of words. She'd been with Harry too long to be in denial of the pun in that statement. He smiled slipping his hand to lace his fingers with hers. “pun aside, it's true. She is still holding out hope, she doesn't really know what Louis did because I shut it down so fast and she was out of the room when it happened but it's ok. We'll just go back in and pretend to smile.”

 

“I can't do that Harry. I can't go back in there, your dad is in there and your sister who I hadn't told this information too.” The tears were building up only now they were freezing in her eyes. “I hadn't talked to anyone about us meeting with an adoption agency, thank god but still Harry. I can't just...walk in there and pretend nothing happened. I can't...” she pulled away from him and put her head in her hands. “It's not that easy. I can't just...I can't.”

 

“Baby...”Harry gently drew his hands through her hair understanding that she was distressed. He wanted to help her so that they could go inside and enjoy themselves but it was quickly becoming obvious that she couldn't deal with the pain. “Alright, come on, up we go.” He stood up grabbing her waist and pulling her up with him in a swift motion not giving her a chance to argue with him.

 

“Harry! I can't go inside and fac-”

 

“We aren't going inside, Ok well I might run inside to get another coat for you and some gloves.” He kept her by the waist as he lead her towards the house but not inside of the house. Kitten looked at him her eyes shining with tears unable to let them fall because they were legitimately were frozen to her face. As they got to the porch Kitten put her feet down and dug them into the ground afraid that he really was going to pick her up and make her go inside. He didn't look to upset that she'd stuck her feet firmly in the dirt so she couldn't be moved.

 

“If we aren't going inside what are we doing?” She asked rubbing her face looking at the light inside ducking behind him when the door inside opened. Harry looked back at her before looking at the door that had just opened.

 

“Hey,” Gemma looked a little unsure of herself as she looked at her brother having expected to find Kitten out there with him. “Where's your...” She stopped mid sentence when she noticed an extra set of feet. “You have four legs did you know that?” Her voice was raspy as if she'd been crying and when Kitten peaked over Harry's shoulder she could tell that Gemma had been crying. It was their first Christmas since Robin passed a little crying was warranted.

 

“I grew two while I was out here.” He teased looking at his sister before letting out a gentle sigh. “You ok Gem?” Gemma shrugged rubbing her face not really giving an answer.

 

“I'm fine,” she finally answered heaving out a sigh. “It's cold out here.” She was pouting a little bit because the wind bit at her bare legs while she stood their in her dress. “Jesus, come inside you two.” Gemma came really close to demanding but Harry stood his ground shaking his head.

 

“It is cold, I need a thicker jacket for Kitten and a hat for her. Can you grab that or do I need to come in and get it?” Harry asked his sister instead of acknowledging the demand for them to come inside.

 

“Both of you just get in the house,” Gemma sounded exasperated with both of them. “Seriously. I get it you don't want to face people in here but it's too cold out here and you two are part of the party.” She wasn't intending to be mean, she wasn't. She didn't even realize that she was until Harry's gaze became more of a glare at her.

 

“I-” Kitten branched out to speak to give in or apologize but Harry interuptted her again.

 

“no, you know what. That's fine. I'll buy you a jacket and a hat while we are out,” Harry turned around and took Kitten's frozen hand. “And some gloves. You need gloves.” he pulled her frozen hand up to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles.

 

“Jesus, you can't be serious! Just come inside!” Gemma groaned. Her voice loud enough that Alice appeared in the doorway Freddie on her hip. Freddie had a little hat in his hand and Alice had a jacket tossed over her shoulder.

 

“Hey, quit.” Alice said firmly and a little unkindly to Gemma. Alice would always ALWAYS take on anyone who even slightly mistreated Kitten. Gemma bristled a bit but crossed her arms and stormed back inside giving up on it all. “I swear to god if the ONE MORE ADULT throws a fucking fit my way I'm going to throw my fucking shoes at someones fucking head.” She snapped and then Freddie started giggling and Alice groaned. “Don't say it Freddie. Pretty please don't say it.”

 

“Fucking!” Freddie giggled and Alice sighed.

 

“Lovely. I just taught my nearly two year old son to say fucking, that's not going to piss off his biological father or anything.” Alice sighed pressing her lips to Freddie's head after a minute finally looking towards Harry, Kitten had begun to cry despite the whipping wind that was desperately trying to continue to freeze her face. Her entire face fell. “Freddie, what did we come out here to do?” she asked the tot on her hip.

 

“K'n! Hat!” he cheered and Harry smiled brightly. “'ere!” he waved around the little pink beanie that had cat ears built into it. Ones that Alice had made for her, she had her own beanie that had fox ears in it which looked similar to cat ears but were significantly different. At least in her eyes.

 

“That's right!” Alice smiled brightly. “I was going to bring it out to you guys in a few minutes but I heard Gemma and decided you might need it before then.” she stepped outside shivering after a moment handing the coat to Harry first. “Here, Kay hand me the one your wearing it's cold and useless.” Harry was expecting her to fight with Alice but she didn't she slipped the jacket off quickly shuffling the jacket into Harry's waiting hands switching for the soft crème colored jacket that was much warmer. “Put your hat on as well you're going to be sick as a dog tomorrow.”

 

“Yes ma'am” Kitten mumbled taking the hat from Freddie's hands and pulling it over her ears and hair, she looked so much softer this way. With just a subtle change in the coloring of what she was wearing, she seemed so soft. “Thank you freddie.” she kissed freddie's cheek as a thank you and he giggled and covered his face just like always.

 

“Come 'ere” Alice took another step out cursing at the cold against her face. Kitten looked at her before putting her arms around her best friend. “I love you Kitten, no matter what ok?” she said softly kissing the top of her head as Freddie helped smother Kitten in a hug. “I love you as well pup. Take her back by the bakery. Get some of those little puff pastery things.” She paused “actually I don't know if the bakery is open...just grab some kind of cookies on your way back. Ok?”

 

“OOKIES” Freddie cheered and Alice chuckled bouncing him in her arms as he cheered about the potential of cookies in his endearing toddler way.

 

“wha-

 

“We've got it handled in here.” Alice cut Kitten off looking back at the door, Emmy was leaning in the door way holding a pair of gloves. She stepped past Alice and handed the gloves to Harry to put them on Kitten's hands before stepping back and wrapping her arms around her wife kissing the side of Freddie's head. “I promise. Let your husband care for you ok?” Kitten slowly nodded before retreating to Harry's arms letting him slip the gloves on her hands.

 

“Thank you,” Harry smiled waiting until the girls went back inside the house to start leading Kitten away from the house completely. “Your answer to earlier we are going on a walk...actually a drive...and then a walk.” He explained not really diving into his current thought process, it would be revealed as he went. Kitten followed him not questioning to much just trying to keep up.

 

He helped her into the car once they got around to the driveway. Getting in himself and turning the car on they let it heat up a bit. Then he pulled out of the driveway and headed in towards a town about 10 maybe 15 minutes away from the house the party was happening at. They were quiet, Kitten busy staring out the window thinking about how much Anne was going to hate her when she came back and Harry didn't want to disturb her, he knew that look on her face. She was deep in thought and didn't want to be shaken out of it. Kitten watched as the little houses passed the window.

 

“You're mum is going to hate me when we get back,” She finally spoke a little caught of guard as Harry parked in an abandon parking lot. The snow continued to fall large flakes from the sky covering the ground below their tires. Harry shut the car off humming to himself not arguing with her at least not right away. He got out of the car and rushed around to her side of the car and helped her out.

 

“Well, I don't think it's possible for mum to hate you babe. She has absolutely no reason to even be upset with you.” Harry put an arm around her tucking her in close as he lead her to a sidewalk that she was quickly familiar with.

 

“Harr-”

 

“Do you remember the first time you saw this sign?” Harry pointed to a little weathered down sign it had at one time said something about no parking after some odd hours but it had long since lost most of it's writing. Now it had a scratched X in the bottom of it, one that Kitten had put in it personally.

 

“Yeah, I was trying to mark where I was so you know in theory I could follow the x's some where.” She bent down and ran her fingers over the sign feeling the X she'd carved into it. “I cut it into the sign with...”There was still some hesitation to her words around implying what she'd used to carve it. Harry knew though, and they'd talked about it before.

 

“You had a pocket knife type thing and use used one of it's utensils to carve it in there.” He finished and she ducked her head a soft blush on her cheeks. It wasn't that she didn't want to use the words it was that saying what it was left an unsaid reason of why she had it on her in the first place. Part of her would always feel a little embarrassed about the knife but at the same time it was part of who she was.

 

“Your mum was crazy to take me in, I was an armed teenage girl who had...cut up her arms.” Kitten sighed slowly standing back up and starting down the walk way in front of her husband instead of walking with him. This all brought back so many memories. Usually she avoided this particular area unless she absolutely had to be in it, she'd been so young and so lost. Terrified she wasn't going to make it for the longest time, been treated cruelly by strangers who had saw her on these streets. Harry didn't rush her or pull her back into his grasp it would only cause her panic.

 

“You were the furthest possible thing from a threat my love,” Harry tilted his head to the side as he watched her walk only a few feet in front of him. “You were dying,” he pointed out.

 

“She didn't know that.” Kitten bristled as she walked glaring at the ground instead of the building around her. Harry didn't take it personally, the anger at least. It always came back a little bit when they discussed her being rescued or when Kitten was being particularly self-loathing. Bad days happened and this was a thing he knew that when he married her.

 

“It wasn't hard to tell.” His response was a little blunt. “Your skin was gray, your lips and fingers were blue, your eyes were red and you were so skinny I was terrified a strong gust of wind was going to break you in half.” He continued when she hadn't put a stop to his slow details sometimes she needed them to remind her that no one in Harry's life thought she was a bad person and she had been nearly dead so no one had expectations of her at that age. “You're hair was soaked with snow, snow flakes were actually frozen on your eyelashes. Your hands were shaking, your knees didn't work, the jeans you were in were so ripped up they hardly counted as jeans, the jacket you were wearing was stuck to you and you didn't even have a shirt on under it because you'd gotten it caught on a gate running away from someone.” He described remembering the state of Kitten when she'd stepped into the bakery with his mum.

 

“I had a back pack. I could have had like...I don't know.” She sighed, he had a point. She'd been filthy, she'd been so frozen the snow didn't even fall on her and melt any more it just stuck to her. An American teenager, a no one, someone who if she had died only one person in the entire world would have cared at the time. Alice often thanked Harry whenever it started to get cold for taking in Kitten and loving her until she could get to her.

 

“A back pack that had a pocket knife thing, a collection of letters that were goodbyes and diaries of what you'd experienced several of which had blood on them. A few paper clips, a few American dollars a pack of gummy candy and some bloody cloth in it.” Harry elaborated. “and a cell phone charger your cell phone was in your pocket at the time.” Kitten shook her head touched that he seemed to remember every single detail of those contents and every single detail of what she looked like when she was found. “Nothing that would present you as being a threat. Everything that presented you as a /teenage girl in serious danger/.”

 

“I suppose...”Kitten sighed stopping her frustrated steps in the snow instead choosing for light slower footed steps, giving Harry a chance to catch up with her. “I think the guy she was dating at the time argued with her logic of taking me in.” Harry laughed shaking his head catching up with her and putting his arms around her waist.

 

“John wasn't anyone's favorite person.” He admitted. “Really, he wasn't a bad guy and then you came along and then there was Alice and he couldn't deal with two teenage girls.” She huffed a laugh because well, though she'd been a softer sideded abused teen Alice had been fire all around and hell to deal with. She was always thankful to Anne but she got in fights with everyone around Kitten. “mum deserved better and you and Alice made her realize that.” He added kissing the side of her head. “That's all. Didn't do a damn thing wrong really.”

 

“Alice was fire because she had to be, she was always stronger than me.” Kitten hummed not in a self-loathing way but not in a self positive way either. “That was how she kept herself from being hit or beat. The only times I fought back were because I didn't want to die and I suffered immensely those times.” They passed another building and she stopped walking drawing in a deep breath and holding it as she looked at the building. “Why did you love me if when you first met me I looked like hell?” Teenagers were shallow at least that was what she'd been taught that if she hadn't been pretty she'd never be loved.

 

“You didn't look like hell to me.” He set his head on her shoulder. “It sounds like I'm making it up but I'm not. It wasn't until I think back that I think about how sick and scared you were. When I saw you for the first time I was absolutely stunned.” she rolled her eyes and leaned her head against his as they looked at the wall. “I mean it, you're eyes were nearly green and there were snow flakes stuck to your eyelashes and it looked absolutely stunning. I thought you had come from somewhere else.” He paused “and by somewhere else I mean like another planet.” Kitten grunted shaking her head she hadn't been very pretty, she'd been nearly dead. Hell she hadn't felt very pretty either.

 

“I'm really lucky you love me.” She spoke softly and damn near silently. “You didn't have to, your mom didn't have to but you guys did...you still do.” Harry put his arms around her and pulled her body against his as he pressed his lips to her hair.

 

“I always will, always. Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday.” He assured slowly letting go of her but only so they could continue to walk down the little path way. “I didn't know you could love someone more and more each day that past until I met you. I didn't think it was possible to love as strongly or as passionately either.”

  
  



End file.
